My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree