her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
giddy up Office Depot
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’