Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.