The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.