I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
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STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Is this a threat?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.