A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.