As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
mood
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
These 3D printers are insane!
spicy snake
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes