People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
You Might Also Like
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
i dont have time for this
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it