Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
some Old Testament wisdom
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.