So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Jupiter
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes