Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
knights of the ikea table
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this