one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
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❤️🦆
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.