I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
August 8
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!