If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never