Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?