Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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same vibe as tangled headphones
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.