WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
life finds a way
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
this has to be peak English
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?