Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
You Might Also Like
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
he was correct
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines