*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Real House Wines.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.