Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Oh yeah that’s it
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —