[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit