My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
no cat here
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.