I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
☠️☠️☠️
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it