[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
screw you
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.