*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
You Might Also Like
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return