Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
SPLOOT
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.