Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”