Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers