My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Nice try, poison.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My daily affirmation
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.