Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
You Might Also Like
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
#Caturday
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.