Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.