The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
You Might Also Like
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?