Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
🤣🤣🤣
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.