Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away