We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Cat.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
do what now??