The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
This rocks
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE