If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Put this video in the Louvre
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall