My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Word!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]