Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
🤣🤣🤣
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.