you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
You Might Also Like
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Thinking about Jeff
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!