HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH