why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝