Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Need WebMD
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.