In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Seek kebab; not attention
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!