I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?