My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I am all good here, 😂😉
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded