Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.