Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean