“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Not today
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Bread puns are on the rise!
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.