Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
You Might Also Like
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Who did it better?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.